On an afternoon that was hotter than the forehead of a middle-aged pervert watching a Beyonce gig, it was time for County North 3 entertainers, RAM, to rock up to Oakley Park. RAM are known by not that many, as adopting an approach that the writer (an no one else) of this report has dubbed ‘RAMBALL’. They are pure box office. As a consequence, literally ones of supporters patiently filed into Oakley Park as a record 17 viewers ( 4 who were looking for Oakley sunglasses) logged into the Frogbox on Youtube.
RAM Bat First
So, how would things pan out? Would RAM race away and leave The Oaks reeling, or would a star studded bowling line up peg them back? The Oaks chairman (who is normally right) had predicted a potential onslaught but felt The Oaks had the ability to halt the flow of runs if we stuck to our plan. That is presuming we had a plan? James Bayliss, a captain of such ability, he makes Mike Brierly look like Mr Bean, keeps that secret to his private Whatsapp group.
The Chairman was right again, RAM’s plan was a brutally simplistic. One presumes their Whatsapp group is called ‘See that red thing-whack the bastard’. Off they went, like a train with no brakes. It became instantly apparent that to beat them, you have to get them all out. If they batted for 45 Overs the chase would be around the 350 mark.
You Can’t Fault (ner) Kaltner!
What a piss poor sub-heading that is. However, it’s better than ‘Stefan Heaven’ or ‘Stef better than Jeff’ which were the only other two I could come up with. The fact is, nothing can do this lad justice. He is, week in, week out, our best bowler. Our other bowlers are good, all of them, but they should be watching and learning from Stef. Decent pace, wonderful accuracy.
RAM were flying along and already hitting out when Stef came in and ripped out the stumps with two fine deliveries to reduce them to 29-2. It was a breathless start but The Oaks were on top, at least for now. RAMBALL wasn’t to be curtailed though, and The Oaks could only wait for unforced errors as the opposition raced to 93-2.
Brundle Strikes
Then, a breakthrough. Khan miscued a Brundle delivery caught by Bayliss and went for a swashbuckling 38. Back over in St Mary Bourne, The Chair watching through the door whilst showering, shouted, ‘GET IN THERE!’ and nearly went through the glass. “What on earth are you doing up there?” shouted his perpetually suffering partner. Slightly embarrassed, the chair was torn between admitting he was watching cricket, or covering his shame by saying, “Just watching a bit Pornhub, darling”. Regardless, it was a scene no one would like to see.
They say (I often wonder who ‘they’ are?) one wicket brings another and indeed it did. It was the lad Kaltner again, smashing through the guard of Hussein, for an unusually patient 33 off 49. A knock that will surely see him dropped and heavily fined by the RAM hierarchy. When Harry Tucknott removed Hussain with an absolute Jaffa and Will Cheyney bamboozled Khan into a false stroke, RAM looked in deep trouble at 127-6.
Another Twist?
Were RAM done for? Well, when Harry ripped through the defence of Anwar to leave them at 147-7, it sure looked that way. But, by jiminy, they weren’t done yet as Javaid, sensing he was the last recognised batsmen, started swinging like a lumberjack on price work. The worry for Oakley was there were plenty of Overs to spare. As the scoreboard raced to 200 quicker than Billy Turner taking advantage of a free drinks promise from Bayliss, one thing was certain. We needed to clone Stef. However, we will need to wait another year or two for AI to sort that out, so for now, we had to do it the human way.
Enter DJ. DJ is a typical spinner at this level. He can have you jumping for joy one minute and wanting to send him to Herriard the next. Fortunately, just when we needed him to, he came up with a beauty to dismiss Javaid before he inflicted insurmountable damage. The tail kept wagging though and The Oaks were grateful to Josh Carpenter for polishing off them off. RAM were all out for 232, probably around 20 short of par and 70 below what they would have hoped for.
The Chase
So, 232 to chase down. Not daunting but not easy either and a good start from DJ and Matt Burrell was essential. Within a couple of deliveries it became apparent that the reason RAM go big with the bat is because none of them have ever been to an athletics track. In the last 20 years specialist fielding has become an integral part of cricket at all levels but RAM, in fairness to them, aren’t interested in all that nonsense. I quite admire that.
DJ and Matt were quickly onto this and kept the scoreboard rotating, running between the wickets as the RAM fielders said, “are you going to get that or shall I?” The openers were at ease and both looking good for big scores as Oakley cruised to 100 without any alarm. I’ll repeat that. Oakley cruised to 100 without alarm. It sounds lovely doesn’t it? Beautiful, even.
Wickets Fall
When things get too easy in amateur cricket, it always pays to do something ridiculous to keep the fans twitching. Dan Jones didn’t let us down, going caught and bowled for 38 but no problem at 101 for 1. Just a hiccup and a job well done by DJ.
All credit then, to Matt Burrell for an inexplicable heave at thin air to go for what was an otherwise excellent 42. There is nothing quite like seeing off the tasty bowlers then going on the attack only to get out to a Christmas pudding travelling at the speed of a garden snail. Matt punched his bat as he exited but if he was honest, he should have punched himself. The Oaks were now 105-2 and it wasn’t the fault of his perplexed bat.
It’s All Going to be Okay Isn’t It?
So, with two new batsmen at the crease it was time to settle. Woody and Josh Carpenter were both watchful and ensured full-blown panic didn’t set in. Then the unthinkable started happening. Josh went for 2. Captain Calm, James Bayliss looked to steady the ship but went for 10 and was followed by Woody on 22. Suddenly The Oaks were 148-5 and the chairman was questioning the wisdom of wearing light cream shorts. Perhaps he could borrow one of his granddaughter’s nappies?
At the centre of the drama now, were Nigel Bishop and Will Cheyney. Will had recently starting gaining some semblance of form, Nigel (he will tell you himself) hasn’t. Troubling times for The Oaks. What approach would Nigel take? Would he allow his twitching sphincter to take over his body and scratch around in desperation? No, he wouldn’t, Nigel decided to do what pop star, Howard Jones, did in 1983. That’s right, he threw off his mental chains and had a good old slap.
No More Alarms?
Nigel hit two crunching sixes and Will joined in the action slapping a few of his own. One wallop from Will arrowed towards the Chairman’s car but despite being three wines deep, Jennifer flew from her seat to the rescue. It was a great stop and a big moment for the lass. It was an emotional one too, as the balcony burst into a spontaneous rendition of ‘Sign her up, sign her up, sign her up!’
Surely we were now home and dry? There couldn’t possibly be a collapse that every club in the world thinks only they are capable of? Of course there could. Nigel missed a straight one and was followed by Ian Bennett and Alex Brundle for big fat ducks. 228 for 8. Silence descended over Oakley Park as the pressure took its toll. Harry Tucknott walked to the crease. The birds stopped singing and the fans paced the pavilion. Was this to be one of the great Oakley cock-ups of recent times?
A Wave of Relief
Harry blocked out a few as the players and fans watched through their fingers and palms. Then, a single, a hapless overthrow and a third run taken. The scores were tied. A wide would do us. In fact anything would do. A no ball, a miscued single, a leg by, one of the arse, anything. Now think of Jonathan Agnew, Headingly, August 2019.
“AND CHEYNEY HAMMERS IT FOR FOUR!!”
On we travel.