Report by First XI Correspondent Dave Bowers

Another Saturday and another scorcher. The 1stXI travelled down to somewhere in the arse end of nowhere for a game of very little significance. With the slim chance of promotion out of reach for The Oaks, and relegation an almost certainty for our hosts there was always going to be very little enthusiasm to play as the temperature once again hit boiling point.

We arrived at the ground in dribs and drabs, much like the home team. Two young lads sat at the pavilion waiting for their chance to cast eyes on The Oaks XI. Various other villagers arrived soon after and gazed in curiosity at us “outsiders”. The opposition skipper sensed that The Oaks were looking rather comfortable and tried to put fear into us by removing his shirt, revealing the club badge tattooed across his chest.

Oblivious to the bear chested native, The Oaks were more amused by hearing that Bayliss’ Meth-Lab-on-wheels had broken down and is still sitting somewhere near the M4. I’m guessing it’ll be returned once the mechanics have come down from whatever it is that gets produced inside the motoring monstrosity.

Loss Toss

Broke-Back-Brundle disappeared briefly (probably to get away from the alcohol fumes still emanating from Billy Turner) then returned to break the news that he had once again failed to win the toss. Without hesitation The Oaks were told to get kitted up as we were having a bowl. So, quickly into our Whites and onto the field we went.

Cheyney was last to take to the field as he had spotted a member of the Young Farmers Union in the opposition ranks. Deep in conversation about the pros and cons of the extended cutting girth on the Kubota SR50, and how nice a straw hat his fraternal brother was wearing, Will was in his element. After a curious handshake between the two gardeners and a ceremonial removing of their stag horned hats the game was allowed to commence.

The game almost got off to a great start, Bowers rattling one in against the openers pads only to have his appeal for LBW vehemently turned down by Josh in the covers. A tight over to start proceedings. Young Harry took a bit of tap at the beginning of his first spell, not so much from the bat, mostly from an umpire happy to give as many wides as possible. With an unforgiving outfield and a wicket offering sweet FA, it was a long slog under the blistering sun.

With little going on for the bowler’s people started to find ways of entertaining themselves. Most notably DJ. The lad spent a good twenty odd minutes under the shade of a tree with his hands down his trousers. Quite what he was up to nobody knows. Quite frankly nobody really cared. It was embarrassing for everyone to witness. The sun had clearly got to him.

Our first break though came in the 9th over when Bowers sent the off stump of the opener cartwheeling to the boundary (if anyone tells you differently, they are fibbing). It wouldn’t be until the 18th over until our next reward. A fine catch behind by Ian off Josh who had been beating the batsmen all ends up for most of his spell.

A combination of JB and DJ (I hope he washed his hands before bowling) took the third wicket courtesy of a good catch on the boundary. From that point onwards wickets came with regularity. Broke-Back-Brundle got the wicket of the opener who’d been hanging around for quite some time. DJ (I really hope he washed his hands) managed to get another. Harry joined the party when Nigel caught one rather unorthodoxly off his bowling, and even our agriculturalist managed to grab a wicket.

It was a pity not everyone that bowled managed to get their name in the book. None more so than George, who, despite bowling 18 overs in his 3 over spell, was unable to get any reward.

With the final ball of the innings Old Tautonians were willing their last batsman to hit a six and take their score to 300. Bowers trundled up, put a bit of swazz into the delivery and watched it get nicked into Ian’s gloves (via his chest and grill).

Big Target

So, a target of 295 to win didn’t seem too unrealistic on a 300-run pitch.

Teas, whilst not overly elaborate, were provided by our hosts, who it must be said were genuinely a good bunch. Such a nice group that they even gave beer (s) to our very own Chairman who was visiting. Perhaps a combination of beer and sunshine went to Bobs head. As we sat in the shade munching on our grub birds were twittering, bees were buzzing, and Maeve was giggling.

When the young infant innocently pulled her knees to her chest Bob cried “Bloody hell I hope that’s not a sign of what her teenage years will be like”. There was silence, disbelief, horror. For Bob his only hope was that not many people heard his comment. Alas, it was heard throughout the County. Birds flew away from their nesting places. The sheep in the opposite field sauntered off over the hill. The hosts closed the beer fridge… It’s clear to say that the award for the most inappropriate comment has well and truly been won.

Back to the game (thankfully).

DJ and Cheyney opened. DJ looked fantastic (if you compare this innings to his one at Ramsdell) but was back on the pavilion far too early. Bayliss was sent out to start rebuilding. Things looked good. The scoreboard was ticking along nicely until Cheyney didn’t quite pick the line of one delivery and saw it edged behind. Josh and Nigel both went in and came back with nothing to their names (bizarrely Nigel got himself out three times to one delivery) Broken-Brundle was next in to try and give us a bit of dignity.

Brundle faced 15 deliveries. He swung wildly at 15 deliveries. If the bowlers had put the ball where Brundle was swinging his bat, then a 50 was a certainty. Alas, he connected with just 2 deliveries and scored 2 runs. George was next up and put on a bit of a show but was out LBW before he could progress too far. Bayliss was given out LBW. Ian went out with a purpose and whilst he hit a trademark six off the second delivery, he then found it tricky to put much else away. Regardless though he stuck around. He saw Jack come and go in double quick time which then bought Bowers to the middle.

Bowers and Ian were plodding away nicely. Ian telling himself to keep his head down before dispatching the next ball over the sight screen. A few balls later and Ian had dismissed his own self advise. Going for another big shot he edged it straight to the keeper. This left Bowers and Harry as The Oaks last stand to try and get the 159 runs needed from the remaining 14 overs… It obviously didn’t happen, but it wasn’t for the want of trying.

HOW IT ALL ENDED

Harry and Bowers had been ticking on majestically for 7 or 8 overs. Both batsmen looking comfortable and feeling relaxed. The opposition were offering to buy Bowers a beer or two to give his wicket up so that they could get out of the heat. Harry and Bowers were having none of it. Chatting between overs Bowers told Harry to “Carry on lad, we’ve got a good little partnership going here. I’m sure the lads are enjoying watching us bat”. The partnership progressed into the 38th over when bizarrely, so near to the end of the game, there was a change of umpire. Looking like the Grim Reaper, George walked out to the middle. Perhaps the lads weren’t enjoying the tailenders batting masterclass after all…

Words from Bowers:

“The delivery that ended the day was marginally a no ball. I say marginally. It came down with snow on it. I stood atop a step ladder to reach it. I pulled it square for a certain boundary and Cheyney’s mate from the Farmers Union snaffled it up. Will was the only person who could protect my record of never being out for the 1stXI, but he just jumped and cheered at square leg. George was halfway back to the pavilion. I had nobody to turn to. Cheyney turned me over”.

Words from George:

“We all had a job to do. You said it was dipping. Shit happens”.

Words from Brundle:

“I really thought you and Harry were going to see us home. I can’t believe what I witnessed. I will be bringing Cheyney up against the committee to discuss this matter further. You were robbed by one of our own. But hey, better to get 18 runs and out than 1 or 2 not out, right?”

Words from Cheyney (the git)

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Best day ever. Bowers has been banging on about having never been out for as long as I care to remember. I should have given him out LBW way before when the ball pitched down leg. Conspiring to get him out is my best cricketing memory by far.”

So, there we go. Harry remained not out. He’s never been out for the 1stXI. We lost but we will go again. We lost to a great bunch of guys and shared a beer with them after.

On Saturday a legend died, but a new legend was born, long live Harry, Hazzah!!!