An eclectic array of Oaks talent swung into Thruxton last night to play in the midweek tournament, The Slam! For those of you who have been living on Mars for the last two years and don’t know what ‘The Slam’ is, it is the biggest tournament in Hampshire going by the name of ‘The Hampshire Slam!’ To put it in context, If it was rock star, it would be Elvis, or even James Blunt, as it sure is beautiful, it’s true.
Batting First on a Feisty Track
Thruxton, from County NW 5 don’t have a ground so they use a playing field that the developers of Augusta Park in Andover would love to build more houses on but begrudgingly, had to provide a sports facility instead. The result is a kind of Lords Antichrist that carries the potential of a medium paced bowler removing someone’s head.
The Oaks batted first but not before some unrest. Bob had been informed by absent skipper, Ian Bennett, that he would be batting at number four. Stand in skipper and all-round bastard, Dan Jones, relegated him to number 10.
Sickened by this ruthless act of DJ fascism, Bob took his dog, Marley, for a walk. Marley did a huge turd, then looked up to his master as if to say, “that’s how you feel isn’t it? Now pick it up, cretin”. Fighting back tears of hay fever, nausea and another nail in the coffin of a consistently poor, low-flight cricket career, Bob completed the circuit and returned to watch some batting.
Remarkably, Michael Wood and Patrick Saines were making light work of a pitch that was like a road. When I say a road, I mean like the roads around the Hampshire countryside. Perhaps it is no coincidence the pitch is maintained by the local council?
A Wonderful 50 for Wood
Woody compiled a wonderful 50 in the circumstances, with Paddy also showing his class and character with a gutsy 39. Thereafter no one really coped with the pitch. Even the mercurial run machine, Josh Carpenter, struggled with a popping pitch, holing out with a shot that did everything but scream, “what the hell am I doing here?”
The only other player to reach double digits was Jeff Triner, who pumped 10 off 3 balls at remarkable strike rate of 333 recurring. Bob didn’t bat, which like any self-respecting scaredy-cat, he was suddenly delighted about. The Oaks finished on 139.
The Defending Duo
DJ decided to open the bowling with Tall Jeff and Bob. Bob, in an extraordinary turnaround, was now full of admiration for the skipper.
Because he is tall (it’s in the name) Tall Jeff created zip and lift that threatened heads and chests in a nasty opening spell. At the other end, Bob was cleaning up. It was like the perfect bowling partnership. Jeff without Bob would have been akin to Romeo with out Juliet, or Sharon from Eastenders without Grant Mitchell, or some other proper naughty geezer.
With knees featuring the composition of digestive biscuits dunked in hot tea, and highly unsuitable trainers with no grip, Bob’s run up resembled a new born foal on a frozen lake. However, when it comes to chucking pies, this lad is peerless. He removed 3 of the top four without demonstrating any apparent skill, guile, or cricketing wit. A piss poor low-flight cricker career over? Not on your Nelly, mate.
Victory Complete on the Road to Herriard
Thruxton never really recovered and added to Bob’s 3 wickets, Tall Jeff (2) Ben Robinson (2) Alex Brundle and a pumped up (literally pumped up) Mad Alan chipped in as Thruxton finished on 114-9. Josh didn’t bowl as we are not sure what our insurance covers, underlying another great bit of captaincy from DJ.
So we move on, our chances of progressing in the biggest ever tournament called ‘The Hampshire Slam’ have been enhanced and the road to Herriard is in our sights.
What a tournament. What a night!